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These suicidal feelings get so old. I suppose I often feel like dying, but not like this. This is the bad of the bad, as bad as I get kind of bad. It's the sort of feelings that have enough force to turn from thought into action. I seem to have a daily debate with myself on the topic, weighing reasons why I should against reasons why I shouldn't. I'm beginning to really be able to rationalize it. Why am I sharing this? Maybe because I'm scared. Maybe because I feel like something bad will happen for sure if I don't let out these thoughts (even though no description does them justice). Why here? Maybe because I hope nobody will read it, considering how long I've been absent from this diary. Or maybe because my inner attention whore is just lonely. Who knows?

-2004-06-22//2:44 a.m.

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